Struggling with Chronic Pain and Depending on God

Hi all,
I am one of the sufferers of Anxiety/Depression The thing is that I dont feel Depressed I feel happy but I am very edgy without it. I find I yell and get angry over the littlest things. I am going to start blogging my walk with God out of this Black hole. I take Cymbalta daily to keep things in line. Without it I am a blithering mess, One thing that they put my on the Cymbalta for was also nerve pain that I endure after my back surgery. The surgery worked to stabalize a rapidly sliding vertabrae however they say I will endure pain for the Rest of my life.
Ok, So my recent triumphs then tribulation and now I come to the point of realizing what God is helping me with.
6 Weeks ago we moved, I love our house we are renting as you saw on other posts, I love homeschooling and taking good care of my wonderful Hubby. the last 3 weeks something changed. I started trying to get off all my medication 4 weeks ago and was doing really well. however now, I am going back up on the Cymbalta for a temporary time till I level off again as I was energetic, house was clean and things were done now I can barely drag myself around to do it all. I was also down to only 1 or 2 pain pills per day and this is a big improvement from the 6 I was having to take when we moved. I had experienced a new symptom right before we got ready to move which was a huge increase in nerve pain down my leg and hip area. It was excrutiatingly painful. They gave me nerve medication and increased my other meds to help me cope with this and kids....
Well when we got moved I found a new church home with some most wonderful People! They have rallied around me, prayed for me in small group time and I have recieved wonderful prayer from our pastors wife after service. Things started looking up the pain down my leg is Gone! God has healed that! Isnt he wonderful! however almost all my pain was gone and so was my bad attitude, I started weaning off all the meds slowly of corse but nevertheless...I also started slipping in my dedicated bible study and my fellowship in my small group as Life took over. I blog this all as I was reading my bible this morning and I had been feeling I needed to get back on track and really dig back in as I have fallen off the band wagon so to speak. I missed the last 3 weekly womens group at church also I missed church on Sunday. I also have only read my Bible or like 5-10 min a day instead of my normal hour in the early morning. this morning I was working on a wonderful study on revelation when they discussed 1-3 John. I paused it to go back and read those again. Low and Behold..what jumped out at me-
1John 1:4-7
"4 And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full.
5 this then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light and in him is no darkness at all.
6If we say we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth"
7 but if we walk in the light, as he is the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

I am constantly amazed at how when I go to my bible needing something...He gives it to me! I needed to be reminded to walk in his light! I feel overjoyed right now. I have let my faith take a back burner to life and I need to bring it back to the top of the LIST! When the pain and crankiness were going away I was Walking with the Lord every Morning, periodically throughout the day I was fellowshipping with my group on Tuesday nights and on Sunday worshipping the Lord with everyone! the last 3 weeks I have been only with my family, (dont get me wrong I love them very much and have enjoyed spending time with them only I enjoyed my time more before I backslid down hill and they enjoyed me more) Also since hubby is not a follower yet it is hard to stay centered on God if I dont focus myself) I have not walked in his word every morning to start my day off and have seen the results! I dont like them where I have arrived at without Him. I am going to do my best to change that from this day on.
Stick with me as the revelation continues. I know from what He did for me a month ago this was a reminder and things are going to get better from this day forward if I obey His word which is to put Him first and all things will be ok! Praise Jesus for his holiness that He never gives up on us no matter how many times we fall He will never leave us if we search for Him!

God Bless you all I am off to have a great day with my family and God!

Today's Plan

Today we are going to enjoy the Lord's Day and have a roasted Chicken for dinner with salad. I need to plan out the week in homeschooling but I will just do tomorrow's plan and then plan the rest of the week tomorrow. I am excited for Church today my soul needs it I can tell. Just a lot has gone on this week with some friends and also with a home we own we are now struggling with the "property managers" after receiving a 1 day notice it is to go vacant. Anywho... no use crying over spilled milk. I am confident the Lord will show us the way to deal with this but I cant wait to go and worship him with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. He is so Awesome! Till Tomorrow God Bless!

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Getting back in the Swing of things! In our new Home!

We have been truly blessed! The home we are renting is so gorgeous. It is only a 2 bedroom but it is like 2500 sq ft! It is a big Log home with 40 acres so I have my horse at home and the kids have lots of room to play. The rooms are huge and they love the extra room. Our other house that we own that we just moved out of is only 1092 sq ft so it is a big change. Our 3 year old is in our room and we gave our son his own room for now as the kids would stay up all night i think if put together LOL. I will post pictures as soon as I get things unpacked.
We are in full homeschool swing now and loving it. My son is thriving on it and I am so excited. My hubby is glad my son is excelling but still unsure if he wants to me to continue next year so we will just play it out and hope the Lord changes his heart.
We were also blessed as my husband started a new job this week that is in the medical restriction parameters of the doctors restrictions. The other Blessing we found out this week as we thought we were actually going to have to cut another 1000 out of our income by him going back to work since he is switching careers however the long term disability company told us since he is not released to go back to his old job and never will be then they will continue paying us up to his old salary which was way more than he is making now anyway they will pay us for up to another 18 months and by then he will have his own route and will be making almost what he used to! I cant believe how blessed we are! If you all could continue to pray for a renter or a purchaser on our other home I would greatly appreciate it as if no one appears by next month on either scenario then we may have to let that home go back to the bank we shall hope and pray that that does not happen.

Ok so for today's list,
Fold and put away clothes
unpack my closet
unpack boxes by Julies bed
Dishes, clean counter, mop floors
Clean second bath room
hang up wall art
organize the living room
vacuum dust
water plants
put away boxed items in my Craft room! One of the other blessings of this house! I am so excited there is room to scrapbook and sew while not having to put it all away and drag it all out everytime I want to do something Yippee!!!
Sweep mop craft room laundry room
put away boxed items for my bathroom and clean up in there
make all beds and vacuum both bedrooms

Woo I am tired just typing all that LOL...I am going to plug away at it and see how much I can get done. Hubby is traveling the 2 hours to our other home to bring the remaining outside stuff home and bring the Trampoline for the kids. I will fillyou all in on how it goes later. Take care and have some fun with your kids and family this weekend:) God Bless.

Sleep??? Whats that???

Well after another sleepless, for the most part, night I find myself sitting here bags under my eyes and almost falling asleep studying my bible. I saw my doctor yesterday and have a new medication that should help with the nerve pain shooting down my leg to my ankle until the healing of God is complete. I know my suffering is not in vane as I think that he is using it to help me grow my faith:) I am immersed in a study of spiritual discernment and on the 2nd coming Rapture. I am studying all I can right now. I have a deep passion fire ignited for this for some reason so I am following it. I had a good conversation about faith with my mother yesterday and understand a bit better some of her reactions to my faith lately. Its not that she doesnt believe she is struggling with other issues herself right now and I need to be stronger in my own struggle and attempt to offer her support instead of always needing her to be my rock for support time to give some back.

On the moving subject, the U-haul comes monday for us to load and go. However the tenents for this house backed out so we will be continuing to try and sell it after we move. Bummer on that part but I have faith that this is not in vain we will be shown the way. Well I am off to make some coffee and take a shower. Oh a cool thing is I found some like new skirts at goodwill! I have enough to almost make a whole week or 2 now without jeans! I still wear them when I need to or am out of clean coordinating outfits but I am accumulating more slowly. I love having a swishy skirt around my legs. Plus I found in the 100 degree weather the other day I was cooler. I like feeling pretty and it gives me more energy yesterday I hung out in housepant/pjs as I struggled with severe pain yesterday and I had no energy when I have on my dresses I feel like getting up and getting going! Anyway off I go have a great day, God Bless each of you!

Getting ready to move...

So yesterday and today we looked at houses and I think we found one that will work quite nicely. It is a huge home almost 3000 square feet but it only has 2 bedrooms. However the master bedroom is huge so I plan to actually get an office room divider for cubicles and seperating the room for the kids to have some privacy and then hubby and I will take the other bedroom. It is on 40 acres and I can have my horse. It will only be temporary but we will stay in the same area we are moving to and when we can buy a house again. So anyway the next few weeks will consist of packing and unpacking and getting schooling going in the new house. It will be fun even though tiring. I will try to post pics of the new house soon and I plan to have some really nice meals coming out of the most beautiful it is way cool. Anyway take care everyone I will post more soon.
Tiff

Church and Rest

So yesterday we got all ready for someone to come look at our house then an hour before they were supposed to come they called and cancelled. I was so bummed my horse trailer sale and my house rented out both fell through this week. I thought everything was falling in to place but that really took the wind out of my sails. So today I am off to Church to pray for guidance and grace to stay calm. My anxiety attacks are threatening to come in but I am asking God's help to keep them away. I know when I feel that coming that I need to step up my faith. This is a learning process and I just keep saying small prayers Like "show me how Lord" "Teach me to walk in your way" or just saying "Jesus I need you" I usually calm down within minutes when doing this and can refocus on gaining perspective. I know he has a plan but in the midst of so much uncertainty I find myself struggling. Till later God Bless you all.

Today is painting day so no schedule. Yesterday I accomplished much of my to do list. I was pleased enough to stop and sit down when my back started complaining at me:) Wonderful hubby cleaned the kitchen completely and today I am starting my second brew of Kombucha. I am excited that this is going well so far:) I have already cleaned the horse stall today and now its snack time then painting time. I will check back later today and show photos of the living room. Till then...

Today's a New Day

Today I start anew! I am starting my routine this morning as next week we start homeschool:) I have a few min before I go shower and thought I would post.
Today's Plan:

1. Shower/Dress/Hair Makeup
2. Start laundry- My wonderful hubby is already doing this so I will fold what he brought in and then switch over when dings!
3. unload dishwasher
4. breakfast with kids
5. cleanup from breakfast
6. tackle my room-it has become a drop zone- get it cleaned and organized
7. make dd's bed with clean sheets and cleanup her room
8. plan homeschool week assignments see if I need anything for the week-go obtain
9. I have physical therapy today at 11am so that will interupt the flow a bit but will get homeschool planning done before I leave so I can make a trip to get anything I need

That will probably be more than my back can handle today but I shall try my best to accomplish my goals.:) Till then

Once again the messy mommy struggles yet

Ok so today I have sat on my rump. I admit it. I was in much pain after our vacation and traveling home yesterday. I had physical therapy today and it increased my pain. However we have someone coming to the house tomorrow night to look again to see if they want to rent-to-own it. We may have the opportunity for my husband who is currently on Disability due to a knee injury we may have found a new job for him in the eastern oregon hemisphere! We are so blessed to have this be a possibility. I pray for guidance from above to know if that is the right move for our little family it is a very remote area but only 70 miles from where my family will land in 11 months when they retire which is where my grandparents currently live. This would be wonderful. My hubby will be released soon and could then go back to work. Money is so tight and I am watching what I do and buy however this is an area I struggle with and get up each morning and Ask God to guide me in this manner. I did wear dresses over the weekend along with the clothing my hubby bought me. I think this served us both well:) Last night I woke in severe pain and ended up out here on the couch for 3 hours from 1:30am to 4am... so I think that has thrown my good intentions for today out the window. I am starting my homeschooling on Monday so the end of this week I need to put my schedule in my HMB together. I am so excited for this as I was blessed with many supplies between st vincents, goodwill, freecycle(Lane county pay it forward) and from Wal-mart for the school supplies as I was there last night so I stocked up on markers, good crayons, paper folders and erasers oh and glue...I need to come up with art projects that arent horrendously messy for 3 yr old to participate but also keep 9yr old ds interested. If anyone has any ideas for art projects that are not expensive please forward to me:) Well I am going to get off my tushy and go clean the kitchen. One step at a time I will get this all done:) One Christian Mom, I missed communicating with you and Bren over the Last few days. Have you read Jane Kirpatrick Books? My church has a library...I will miss them so when we move...but my point was anyone looking for a good novel that has good Christian values and no muck check out Jane's books as I highly recommend them for a good read. Ok...going to tackle the kitchen. If you dont hear from me by tomorrow I fell in send help LOL......till then
Tiffany

Today we have much on the agenda, we have to get the house clean as someone wants to look at it tonight and It is close but not good enough for a viewing, plus we have to get packed for vacation and get the camper ready:) The time away is going to be nice but the preperation is always hectic isnt it! Ok I am off to do bible study before anyone stirs in the house. I am getting excited for darling son to come home I miss him. And I cant wait to start our homeschooling year. I have been doing much research and am really excited for the year I think we will both enjoy homeschooling. My family is not really on board with this so it is difficult. My hubby is allowing it but doesnt quite agree with it he feels that it will lead ds to be too sheltered. I think it is what God is calling me to do but the beauty of my darling hubby is that he is willing to let me try. I can feel God softening his heart to Him as last night we were at some friends house, I felt a little defeated at first as Hubby really wanted me to wear some Capri pants he just bought me and I wanted to wear a dress, I guess I havent found the right dresses for his eyes yet as he is still giving me a bit of grief over switching to all dresses. I have to confess Ladies I caved and wore the capri's for him and I felt guilty as I have been so strong the last 5 days and have worn them in all I do except phyisical therapy time for my back...Dress gets caught in things so I wear excersise clothes. So in my struggle though on the way there and home I had KLUV playing on the radio, the christian channel and he always flips it to a different one right away but he didnt and just before that he was in the living room and actually turned on the 700 channel! He did flip it to a different tv channel right before the prayer for salvation but I feel like he is making small strides forward and I am Blessed! Even though I felt guilty for letting my values take back seat to the his request to not wear a dress I still felt encouraged overall with the progress I see in him. Our home has been much calmer this week without ds here and I pray for strength as we march into next week that the calmness I feel right now will stay with me and I can be the kind loving mother who gently raises my tomatoes LOL without yelling or feeling on a razors edge if you know what I mean. I found info online through Candy's page where I can read Raising godly tomatoes I am so excited. I am going to read when I can to stay on track. Well I am off for the day wish me luck ladies and God Bless you all:)

I did it (well for the most part) YEAH!

Ok hubby should be home soon and its not perfect but it is so much beter! Here are the before and after shots I am going to hop in the shower dd is very cranky.....oiy vay....ok ladies good night see you tomorrow:)

I better hurry up!

Ok Sweet hubby that I talked with this morning and he said he was going to stay another day at my mom and dads just called and said he is heading home today! AAAAHHHH I thought I had all night to clean up my mess....better kick it in to overdrive I don't want him to come home to this! I'll be back when the cleaning is all done ladies watch me go.....vvrrroooooommmm>>>>>

Clutz Award for the day goes to MEEEEE!!!!! OUCH

So I am such a clutz that just trying to feed my dogs produced this beauty on the outside of my thigh. I turned and ran smack into the u shape thing that holds the kennel gate shut you know the thing that goes up and down to lock the gate or open it, yah that thing! it stabbed me and this beauty of a prize is swollen and hurts like the dickens! Lets pray for quick healing and for it to be all gone soon:) I can't believe this looks like this after only a couple hours usually I bruise really easily but this is insane! Well lets hope tomorrow I am a bit more consious of my whereabouts and dont add any more prizes to my trophy collection LOL. good night all

This week of Feminine dress!

This is my darling daughters beautiful dress:) Isnt it pretty

Today was church and I wanted to share what myself and my daughter wore today I felt so light and happy today the Spirit filled me to overflowing at church today and I had a wonderful time. I am so Blessed to have such a loving church family. We are approaching a move and I am so saddened that I will have to find a new church finding a home for your spirit is sometimes hard but the Lord led me to this one and I know he will lead me to the right one wherever we land. Until tomorrow everyone, DD and I are off to pick up a shaved Ice machine, some skeins of yarn, and some bread pans for FREE from our local freecycle website. it is such a blessing to have people sharing their unwanted items for free I am lucky to have found this site last year as I have recieved many blessings from it Like My Kombucha Scoby's yesterday! my first batch is started as of last night and I cant wait to start drinking this amazing tea!

Kombucha Excitement!!!

Ok, Today the most wonderful thing happened I got two huge SCOBY's from a lady on our freecycle system here each of them had 1 new scoby growth and the mothers are absolutely huge, too big huge she had said she kept getting vinegar out of hers and from what I read I think this may be why as she didnt seperate them but I am not sure. I have removed 2 baby's and am waiting for my black tea to cool so I can add the really nice one. I am going to show you pictures of these huge things anyone that is familiar with them please feel free to give me some (Nice) advice on this please. thank you and here's to a happy brew!

Today is the beginning of a new Chapter!

Today, the house is a complete disaster. I have not done well at all at getting it clean even without hubby home.We have painting to finish as you can see and I planned to have it all clean by today and play tomorrow, well I will just keep plugging The reason I post these messy photos is I want to watch the transformation through photos as I get it all organized and clean and start following my schedule I have made in My home management binder. Today I start my first brew of Kombucha in hopes of this tea helping my Back hip pain and my migranes that I experience I learned about this tea from another blogger www.keepingthehome.com I have learned many things from there. This year I will be homeschooling for the first time as well as I am going to get organized I have obtained her book "the Home Management Binder a Housewifes Best Friend" I am still reading it but have started my HMB and cant wait to get the house clean and organized. Life has fallen in around us recently but my faith in the Lord just keeps growning and the Blessings he has been putting in front of me Amaze me everyday. My Great Grandma, one of my Hero's in life, Passed away on April 25th exactly 54 years to the day from when her beloved husband left this world for Heaven. He passed on April 26th 54 years ago however this is Leap year so it would have been april 26th any other year! This was the 2nd miraculous thing that happened that week the first thing that happened was I opened 2 seperate bibles the night before she passed as I was trying to pick one I wanted to stick with-in the end I went with a completely seperate version the NKJV Family Traditions I love it. But back to the event- that night I flipped both open and they both opened to the same page and chapter- Psalm 23-" the Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil for you art with me". I thought at the time that night that this was for encouragement for what we are going through with my hubby and his no longer having his job due to an injury however at 6:30 am the next morning the phone rang and we were in a panic dash to get to gram before she left this world. She was my Great Grandma in so many ways of the word. she came from Sweden in 1916 through Ellis Island and everything then took a train or stage coach i am not sure which from NY to Montana! Her story is truly amazing and she was the most kindhearted women in the world. I miss her so much everyday. But I hold on to psalm 23 when I feel down I know the Lord presented that to me so I could stay strong for my kids and get through it. So this week we still dont know if hubby will have a job however I have an overwhelming feeling that it will be ok and I normally would be freaking out. Also I really wanted to try Kombucha but had never heard of any Scoby's or anything here in my area when the next morning a nice lady posted on our freecycle site that she had 2 giant ones in need of someone wanting to brew tea! A prayer answered! And also I had been praying steadily for someone to buy my horsetrailer and behold It sold this week! Also my hubby and I had just talked about him doing odd jobs if needed when he gets released from the doctor and we have someone that needs something done as soon as he can be released! What a blessing I cannot tell you how much I just know the Lord is going to provide for us so I can stay home and raise our 2 beautiful children! Well enough computer time for today I am going to post the pictures of my house in its wrecked status and post the pics one by one as I transform it into a clean castle:) Till tomorrow or later